How to Talk to Anyone, 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships

 

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How To Talk To Anyone Summary

By  Niklas Goeke

One of the greatest things about knowing yourself well is that you can tell other people how you function. Give them an instruction manual, so to speak. One of the worst things about doing so is that they then tend to box you in. Whenever I tell people I’m an introvert, they somehow expect me to never leave the house. That’s nonsense, of course.

Human behavior lies on a spectrum. Always. And besides each situation being different, you can also train yourself to change. Like Leil Lowndes, who turned from a shy school teacher into a flight attendant, actress, cruise director, and later even coach, talk show host and speaker! How To Talk To Anyone is one of her many books on communication, highlighting 92 of her best tips for being successful in human relationships.

It’s a very practical how-to guide, so let’s see some of the specific advice she has to offer:

1. A seamless introduction will almost always lead to a fluent chat.
2. Emulating people and empathizing with them makes it easy for them to become your friend.
3. Praise is useful, but keep your most specific compliments to family and close friends.

Lesson 1: Smooth introductions tend to turn into good conversations.

The part we sweat the most when meeting new people is always the first ten seconds. Often, that’s the only part we’re sweating. If you’ve ever talked to a stranger, you know this is true. Once you’ve gotten over that initial hurdle, things usually go just fine. That’s why Leil suggests simply skipping that first, potentially awkward part. How? By getting an introduction!

If you’re at an event, ask the host to introduce you. You’ll both know them, which makes for an instant connection. Another option is to ask the host for a few details about the person, which you can use to strike up a conversation. Or just linger close by and observe their other conversations until you can drop in. Introverts could also bring a flashy conversation starter, like a dashing outfit or a gimmick, as well as smile, nod, and wave.

And if you’re trying to replicate this online, email introductions work well, if a mutual acquaintance makes them. I use them all the time. There, you can even use whatever information you find to show you’re prepared, which is called the briefcase technique. Oh, and if you’re the host, make sure you help your guests do the same!

Lesson 2: Mimicry and companionship are two powerful ways to form a connection.

The easiest way to get people to like you is to keep them talking about themselves. But while it’s nice that you don’t have to say all that much, eventually it’ll be your turn, or maybe you love to talk too. So what else can you do once the introduction is made? Two powerful tools, Lowndes says, are mimicry and companionship. Here’s what she means:

First, people will subconsciously feel comfortable around you if your and their movements are the same. If they use their hands a lot, use yours too, and so on. Another thing I tend to do naturally is to use the same words to describe the same things. What’s more, if you know they like something, use vocabulary from that area, for example call them “mate” if they enjoy sailing.

Second, showing people you’re on the same page goes a long way. I tend to interject affirmations like “yes” and “uh-huh,” but Leil suggests full sentences are better at achieving the same. If you can refer to you and your conversation partner as “we” and “us,” that’s also a win. Saying “how do you like our new cinema” puts you on the same team, an in-group, if you will. This will also lead to in-jokes quickly, which are one of the best ways to strengthen bonds over time.

Nothing like a running gag to keep spirits high, ain’t that right?

Lesson 3: The better you know someone, the more specific you should be in your praise.

One of the most common tips to get along well is to give people compliments. That’s true, but according to Leil, there are some misconceptions around the idea of praise, especially when it comes to when and how to deliver it. As a rule of thumb, the more you know and appreciate someone, the more detailed and frequent you can be in telling them.

For example, if you’re working together with someone for the first time, tell a mutual colleague to let them know they did great. If you do it personally, make it indirect, for example by stating their achievement as a fact and then asking them how they did it. Or ask for their opinion, which is something that makes us feel valued every time.

If you know someone well, like a close friend or someone you’re keen on dating, you can commend them for their performance right after an important event. And for the most special people in your life? Highlight their best, specific traits you admire. Maybe it’s their sense of humor, maybe it’s their humility, but life is short, so let those closest to you know why you love them in many ways.

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26 important life lessons everyone should learn

by Lachlan Brown 

There are two types of people in this world:

The first type is people who have a fixed mindset. They believe their talents and skills are given to them, rather than developed themselves.

They passively wait for life to happen to them. They hate challenges and tend to give up when it gets too hard.

The second type of person is those that have a growth mindset. They believe that the hand their dealt is just a start pointing for growth.

They believe their basic qualities are things they can cultivate with effort. They see mistakes as opportunities to learn. They embrace challenges and love learning about things they don’t know.

Who do you think is more successful in life?

News flash. It isn’t the first type. 

The bottom line is this: 

People with a growth mindset pay attention to the lessons that life teaches them. 

These lessons are often brutal, but by learning to cope with obstacles that life throws their way, they become wiser, stronger, and more resilient. 

So in this article, I’m going to unpack many life lessons that we’d all benefit from learning.

We have a lot to cover so let’s get started. 

1. Develop compassion.

Realize that people are human beings just like you. Grow your ability to understand and empathize with the suffering of others.

When we identify with others, we are more able to find peaceful solutions to issues and less likely to depend on aggression or violence.

2. See the commonality rather than the differences.

A strong ego, a concrete sense of “I” makes us feel separate. This leads to anger and jealousy. Reduce these destructive emotions by feeling more connected to others.

Things are not always what they seem, so don’t jump to conclusions. Quantum physics data makes a strong case for the fact that reality is not objective but subjective.

What we think is real is an interaction between the observer and the observed. The famous double-slit experiment is a classic example.

If reality is subjective, then all is open to question. Could it be that in the same situation, different perspectives are equally valid?

Think about what this means for witness testimony in criminal cases. Did they see what they think they saw?

In your daily life, how many times have you been certain of something (usually negative) that caused you to get into an issue with someone, only to find out that you misread the situation?

3. Be proud not of your gifts but of your hard work and your choices.

By “gifts”, I’m referring to the talents you were born with. It’s what you do with those talents that matter more.

4. Be alert to your passions.

When they speak up, pay attention. Guard against letting your intellectual self overrule your enthusiasm.

5. Become a domain expert.

Learn, learn, learn. Put in the time and effort to be excellent at what you know and do. Yet, intentionally keep your beginner’s mind, so you can always take a fresh look.

6. Success = Persistence + Stubborn relentlessness + Flexibility.

It’s a balancing act. You need to keep true to your vision, yet realize when the details are wrong and have the ability to adjust as needed.

7. Remember to “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

Instead of alienating (turning off) those who could be your allies and having bad relationships with your adversaries (those against you), build strong connections with both.

The former will support you when you need it, and you can more easily keep an eye on the “doings” of the latter.

8. Having power and wielding power are two different things.

Just because you have power doesn’t mean you need to use it…and when you do use it, use it wisely and well.

Sometimes, the supreme, best use of power is to step away, and let others handle the situation, keeping a discrete eye on things the whole time.

9. Strive for excellence.

Make it a point to always do your best work at the best quality level you can. You will have the personal satisfaction of knowing you did all you could. In addition, you will gain the respect of others for being someone they can count on.  

10. Reassess priorities often.

The “must do’s” at the start of a project often change. Many times, people stick to the plan no matter what because, well, that’s the plan. Thus, the results are not the best they could be.

Do your best to continually revisit your priorities. Are they still serving you? What adjustments would make things better, more success-oriented?

In this way, your action plan is always being adapted to your needs.

11. Increase your grit quotient.

Angela Lee Duckworth talks about grit (or how much we “stick to” something once we’ve begun it) in her TED talk.

Interestingly, grit and a growth mindset are more important than natural ability, knowledge, and many other factors which people think lead to success. 

After listening to Duckworth explain her idea and hear what her study revealed, check how gritty you are with her grit scale assessment. 

12. Have the courage to take risks.

One of the nursing leaders has a saying: “Jump off the cliff and the parachute will appear.” How could this make any sense?

Obviously, it is scary to lean in. This is natural, and many people cannot overcome this instinct. 

Yet, this saying is daring you to be different. It is asking you to be confident enough to believe that there is a safety net even though you can’t see it, that things will work out well despite your not knowing how at the moment. It is suggesting that for those with this kind of bravery, the rewards will be more than worth the risks.

13. Even if you don’t like your current job, do it well.

You will gain respect for being consistent and reliable, no matter your personal preferences. These are the kinds of people who get recommended for jobs that are more to their liking.

14. Never lose your cool.

Keep calm even in the most challenging times. Being calm helps us think more logically and make better decisions.

Everyone can develop their “calmness quotient.” Research shows that listening to music you like reduces stress and tension. Meditation can also be helpful. 

15. Approach your future with purpose, vision, passion, energy, and hope.

In effect, these factors keep you focused and motivated. They help you stay true to your vision of who you are and what you want to achieve. They help you put your heart and soul into creating your very best life. 

16. Make your life a continual “graduation.”

Graduation can mean a refining or removing of impurities in the way that refining gold removes “not gold” to create a purer product. Make your life a process of refinement by continually removing unwanted parts of your behavior and character.

This is much easier said than done. Few of us enjoy taking that long hard look at ourselves, especially since once we see our shortcomings, we usually start to feel that internal, nagging voice which keeps telling us to do something about it.

Develop the inner strength to love yourself as you are while simultaneously working towards self-improvement.

17. No one knows the path forward, and there is always uncertainty.

Those who say they know how things are going to work out with you are just plain wrong. There are so many decision points, unseens, and unexpecteds that there is no way to predict an outcome with any certainty.

However, your guts and imagination will see you through. Between your inner reserves (guts) and your ability to keep your goal(s) in your mind’s eye (imagination), you will be able to roll with the punches and come out successful on the other side.

18. It’s ok to be uncomfortable or even afraid to step into the unknown.

Be courageous, and do it anyway. You will never know what you can truly achieve unless you try.

19. Listen to your gut…but also your head and your heart.

A growing body of data appears to show that thinking and logic are not the only ways to make decisions. Including your emotions (heart) and intuition (gut instinct) will help you make better choices and keep you safer.

20. Talk it out, and then talk it out.

Sooner or later, every relationship has its conflicts. Effective resolution is based on talking about it as many times as needed. 

Arguing productively is a skill set. One skill in the set, for example, is being modest or not thinking that our view is the whole or only truth.

Another skill is graciousness. In other words, when it is relevant, we are able to agree that the other person is right.

A third is patience—waiting for our chance to speak, giving people time to process our points, allowing the time needed to work through the issue.

A final skill example is forgiveness or compassionately understanding when someone else is having difficulty with the points we are making.

Winning the argument should not be your goal. Instead, aim for an argument which is successful.

That is, one in which the participants were heard and respected, new insights were gained, and a way forward was reached.  

21. It’s ok to take “no” for an answer.

Not everything has to be agreed on. People don’t always reach a compromise. Sometimes, it just ends up being “no.”

By giving others the right to say “no”, you give it to yourself as well. Saying “no” helps us guard important boundaries and limits so that we do not feel “used” or disrespected.

22. Be ok with asking for help.

You don’t have to do it all yourself. Asking for help doesn’t mean you are weak or ineffective. Actually, knowing when to ask for help is a sign that you are life-smart.

23. Learn the enjoyment of being on your own.

Everyone needs some time by themselves to reflect and recharge. Social 24/7/365 is not going to create your best life.

When was the last time you went somewhere by yourself without feeling like a loser? Why is it that many of us see being on our own as something defective?

Enjoying your own company means you are not needy and clingy. That’s already going to have a super positive impact on any relationship.

24. Listen to your body.

Nature has programmed our bodies to be very communicative. When things are not on track, our bodies let us know it. 

Fever, rashes, aches and pains, changes in appetite and energy levels, nausea/vomiting, sudden weight loss/gain —all these are examples of ways in which our bodies send us ill-health messages.

Are you paying attention?

Taking the necessary action in a timely manner can fix things before they become worse or get out of hand altogether.

25. Honor your body.

If you know that it’s going to be bad for your body, don’t do it. If you must, do it rarely and in small quantities.

Let’s take alcohol, for example. Admittedly, there are many social situations in which not having a drink is going to be very awkward.

So, have one. It’s only once in a while. If you find yourself drinking a lot without really wanting to, consider your social circle. Are these the people you really want to hang out with?

26. Invest in preventative maintenance.

We change the oil in our cars on a regular basis, not just when the engine is smoking and damaged. Same here. Build an eating plan and exercise schedule that suits your needs and your resources. Stick to it. Get regular checkups, and carry out treatments responsibly.

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14 tips to have a pleasant personality that everyone loves

by Lachlan Brown 

When we think of kind people, it’s less about who they are and more about their gestures.

The best thing about having a pleasant personality is that you don’t have to change who you are.

It doesn’t matter if you’re introverted or carefree, driven or laid back — what matters is how you make other people feel in your presence.

Being a pleasant person isn’t a mysterious skill either.

There are things you could easily do to project warmth and be fun to be around.

Here are 14 ways to develop a pleasant personality that people enjoy spending time with.

1. Be Interested In Other People

A huge part of learning how to be pleasant is knowing how to make people feel good about themselves when they’re around you.

One easy way to do that is by doing something most people fail to do: genuinely show interest in other people.

Give them the chance to tell you about what they’ve been up to, their projects or their work or their issues, and show them that you genuinely care and want to learn more.

While this doesn’t necessarily mean you have to spend hours talking to everyone, you should do the bare minimum of caring enough to ask about other people.

2. Remember the Details

What’s the main difference between someone who listens just to show that they’re listening, versus someone who actually genuinely listens?

Simple: the person who genuinely listens can remember the details.

Pay attention when you talk to other people so that when you speak with them again, you can remember what they told you about.

The higher they hold you in esteem, the more impressed they’ll be when you show that you stored their story in your mind.

3. Make Everyone Feel Welcome

No matter who it is or what the event may be, always be the person who can walk up to the latest person to enter the room and make them feel welcome.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t know someone or if there are “rules” in place stopping you from talking to them; give everyone the chance to feel that someone has welcomed them, and be that “someone” every chance you get.

Making people feel welcome is a great quality to have.

What other special qualities do you possess? What makes you unique and exceptional?

To help you find the answer, I’ve created a fun quiz. Answer a few personal questions and I’ll reveal what your personality “superpower” is and how you can utilize it to live your best life.

4. Be Confident, But Not Cocky

Some people mistake confidence for cockiness, but they’re not really the same thing.

Confidence is having the ability to not care about all the little possible insecurities you have while showing people you embrace who you are.

Cockiness is being loud and brash in your own self-love as if you’re overcompensating to cover up the fact that you have more insecurities than you’d like to admit.

So be confident, but don’t cross the line into cockiness.

Be the kind of person people want to emulate, who inspires people with their own self-assurance, not arrogance.

5. Learn How To Read The Room

Being a pleasant person means knowing how to be adaptable.

Sometimes you will want to be loud and outspoken, and other times you will want to keep to yourself and just let other people take the lead.

It’s all about learning how to read the room. Be astutely aware of the people around you, the place where you might be, and what might be appropriate and not appropriate.

Don’t act the same way every time, unless you want people to think of you as an oaf.

6. Don’t Second Guess Yourself

While this might be one of the most difficult things to always do, it’s important that you show people that you’re not the type to go back on your word or be unsure of the things you say.

Once you commit to something, follow through with it; be as confident in your ideas as you are in yourself.

But of course, there’s always a point where this might go too far.

You always want to be reasonable and polite, so if you find that your initial opinion or argument wasn’t as correct as it could’ve been, give yourself the permission to say, “I was wrong.”

7. Optimism Is Contagious

The world can be a dark and dreary place, but that doesn’t mean you always have to act like everything’s about to fall apart.

No one wants to be around the guy who’s constantly talking about the worst news of the day, or predicting the next stock market crash, or talking about how life is meaningless.

Be happy, and be optimistic.

Always find the light at the end of the tunnel, the bright side of things, and be the person who motivates others to push forward even when the night is at its darkest.

RELATED: Curious what your soulmate really looks like? A professional psychic artist drew a sketch for me of what my soulmate looks like (and I instantly recognized them!). 

8. Embrace and Share Your Passions

One thing that everyone can relate to is passion.

We’ve all felt that burning desire in our hearts to work towards a goal, whatever that goal might be.

And a great way to make people instantly connect and resonate with you is by talking about your passions.

Be transparent, be open, and be yourself.

Show everyone around you that you’re not afraid of being who you are and showing them what you’re passionate about.

Not only will this enthusiasm endear even the most solemn strangers to you immediately, but it will also inspire other people to live more openly, something we all secretly want to do.

9. Listen When People Speak

Think about the last conversation you had with someone.

Do you remember everything they actually said?

The answer might be no.

But ask yourself — do you remember everything you said?

It’s very unlikely that you don’t.

Learn to be a listener, not a constant speaker.

Too many people mistake confidence with talkativeness, but a person who says a thousand words per minute doesn’t come across as confident; they come across as insecure and even defensive.

Dr. Rachel Naomi says it best:

“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention…. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words. ” – Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen

10. Don’t Take Things So Seriously

It helps to be serious and professional when it comes to interacting with other people, but you also need to learn how to balance it with some nonchalance.

Having the ability to “let go” and not let things get to you is an attractive quality because it’s something everyone wishes they could do.

So don’t take things so seriously.

No one will think of you as pleasant if you constantly show that you’re one who is quick to anger.

You can still have integrity while maintaining your zen, and it’s all a matter of picking your battles and knowing when a situation demands something more from you.

11. Treat Everyone Equally

You know how to treat those above you on the social and professional ladder with respect, but do you treat those beneath you — and way beneath you — with respect as well?

Being a pleasant person means genuinely wanting to interact positively with everyone around you; it means always being pleasant, not just being pleasant when it will get you social points.

Whether it’s the CEO of your company or the janitor, treat them with a base level of respect.

And this is the problem many people face — they don’t maintain a floor or minimum level of respect, because they only give respect out when they feel they need to.

12. Nothing Beats Sincerity

In a world filled with fake compliments, being sincere when you praise people is actually a welcome change.

It’s become too easy to spot fake niceties and overblown compliments for the sake of projecting warmth, which is a turn-off for most people.

If you want to be the kind of person people want to be around, it’s as simple as being genuine to them.

Pay them compliments when it makes sense. Reach out because you’re curious about their life, not because you want to “network”.

Being sincere in your intentions makes a whole world of difference in your interactions with others, and they’ll be able to pick up on your good vibes too.

13. Never Forget Your Manners

Please and thank yous are overlooked but they are the first steps to having a pleasant personality.

No one wants to be around someone who just expects good things to happen to them.

Simple gestures like these tell people that you respect them and make people feel good about having you around.

14. Choose To Be Happy

Happiness is a choice. We all have to deal with problems and issues and unexpected headaches.

We all go through our own conflicts, battle our inner demons, and suffer our personal tragedies.

But at the end of the day, your mood is a choice.

You can choose to sulk and drown in your own miseries, letting other people feel your negative energy and trying to gain everyone’s sympathy.

But you can also choose to breathe and push those thoughts out of your mind, at least while you can.

Choosing happiness doesn’t mean ignoring your own true feelings.

Choosing happiness means making the long-term commitment to always push yourself towards happiness, even if you’re nowhere near that point.

The simple act of pointing yourself in the direction of happiness is enough to change your mood and general vibe, for the better.

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