The 80/20 Principle reveals how you can boost your effectiveness both in your own life and for your business by getting you in the mindset that not all inputs produce an equal amount of outputs and helping you embrace the Pareto principle.
Richard Koch has more than 20 books under his belt. His business career was considerably short, as he retired at age 40, after co-founding his own consulting company in the 80’s (he was born in 1950).
But Richard‘s not your typical retiree, as he spends it very actively with speaking, writing books, as well as investing and advising companies like Filofax and Plymouth Gin.
The 80/20 Principle is his most popular book and his way of sharing his perspective and use of the Pareto principle throughout his businesses and life.
Here are 3 good lessons to get you started with this powerful idea:
People expect life to be fair and balanced, but it’s not.
The most important aspect any business can optimize is their product range.
You don’t need exact numbers to use the 80/20 principle.
Ready to become an essentialist? Here we go!
Lesson 1: People expect life to be fair and balanced, but it’s not.
You might know that the 80/20 principle says that 80% of the results come from 20% of the work (if not, now you do :P).
But that’s actually a tough thought to wrap your head around.
We expect things to be linear, fair and balanced, but that’s not how nature works.
There’s a reason we were the only species to separate from all other mammals, why startups like Uber grew to billion dollar businesses in such a short time and why 1% of the population owns 50% of the money.
Imbalance is the natural state of life and we all have to come to grips with that.
For example, we only use 700 words for 66% of what we say during our daily conversations. If you take into account the derivatives of those words, you’ll see that 1% of the words of the English language are used for over 80% of what is said.
The reason for these imbalances are feedback loops.
When you put 5 fish of the same size into a pond, eventually, 1 will end up a lot bigger than the rest. That particular fish might only be slightly bigger than the rest in the beginning, but that slight edge allows it to catch more food and grow faster.
Of course, this reinforces its advantage, and because it grows faster it can get even more food, until it completely outgrows all the other fish.
Life works the same way, so stop blaming external factors like “unjust wealth distribution” and get started on creating those advantages for yourself so you’ll end up on the better side of the imbalance.
Lesson 2: The most important aspect any business can optimize is their product range.
I love the story of Steve Jobs explaining how focus means saying no.
It embodies this lesson perfectly.
Koch agrees when he says that the most important thing any business can optimize is their product range.
He himself found out that for some companies as little as the top 3 products ended up making over 50% of the revenue. You could dramatically grow your business by focusing on these 3 top-sellers, but never make any headway when you keep trying to sell the other 97 ones you have that don’t really get traction.
When Steve Jobs returned to Apple in 1997, the company had over 300 products in its line-up. He reduced that number to less than 10.
This insane focus allowed him to improve those already well-performing bestsellers and turn them into the everyday encounters they are today.
So the best thing you can look at to start simplifying and simultaneously growing your business is your product range.
Lesson 3: You don’t need to have exact numbers to get the most out of the 80/20 principle.
Koch extends this principle throughout the book to help you use it in your own life as well, not just in business.
The beauty of it is that you don’t need to have exact numbers.
Of course it’s impossible to pinpoint the 20% of your friends that give you 80% of the happiness, but Koch says your gut feeling provides a good estimate.
He calls this 80/20 thinking and says you can use it to dramatically improve the quality of your life, by focusing on exactly that (as opposed to quantity).
Ask yourself: “Who do I really enjoy spending time with? How much time am I spending with them?”
You’ll see that you don’t have to look far and that it’ll be easy to spend more time with who really matters to you, instead of trying to manage as many relationships as possible.
Your friends are just one example, and you can use 80/20 thinking to improve your happiness in plenty of other areas of your life.
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1-Sentence-Summary: Emotional Intelligence explains the importance of emotions in your life, how they help and hurt your ability to navigate the world, followed by practical advice on how to improve your own emotional intelligence and why that is the key to leading a successful life.
Though Focus is the book by Daniel Goleman that first sparked my attention, Emotional Intelligence (or EQ) is actually far more popular. His masterpiece has sold over 5 million copies worldwide and has been translated into 40 languages.
Goleman explains how two separate minds live in our brains, one rational and one emotional, and why the five key skills making up your emotional “literacy” are actually a much bigger predictor of happiness and success than the capacity by which we usually measure it: IQ.
Here are 3 lessons about what emotional intelligence is, why it’s so important and how you can get more of it:
Emotional intelligence rests on self-awareness and self-regulation.
A high EQ makes you healthier and more successful.
You can boost your EQ by mirroring other people’s body language and thinking optimistically.
Lesson 1: Emotional intelligence depends on your ability to be self-aware and self-regulate.
There are two parts to being emotionally intelligent. One is being emotionally self-aware. It simply means that you’re able to recognize and label your feelings.
For example, when children learn to speak, they usually need to be given the vocabulary first, so if your son is angry because you’re not letting him have candy before dinner, he’ll know he feels bad, but can’t tell you what exactly it is, until you tell him that what he’s feeling is anger.
The second part of the EQ equation is emotional self-regulation.
As an adult, being able to look at your emotions on a meta-level (thanks to mindfulness, learned from meditation or other self awareness exercises) is crucial in choosing how to react to your feelings – or if you should react at all.
For example, when you sit in your office and hear a sudden, loud bang, like the sound of an explosion, your emotional processing center will perceive it as a threat and put your body in alert mode. But when your rational brain double checks and sees there’s no actual threat there, it calms you down again, so you can get back on track to what you were doing.
Both of these qualities rely heavily on the neural connections between your rational and emotional brain, which, if severed, can cause serious problems.
Lesson 2: If you have a high EQ, you’re more likely to be successful and healthy.
IQ, the level of your intelligence, is usually what we think determines success. But Goleman’s research led him to believe that EQ, emotional intelligence, is just as, if not more important, to find happiness.
For example, in the world of business and careers, students with higher levels of empathy seem to get better grades, even if their peers are just as smart. That’s because they can better manage their feelings – for example being bored, but still doing their homework – and perform better in social settings, like knowing when to speak and when to be quiet in class.
Similarly, as you might know from the famous marshmallow experiment, kids who can better discipline themselves at a young age tend to perform better later as well.
Plus, managers, who are socially skilled, will have the power to persuade people when they need to and thus do a better job at leading people.
Your health also highly depends on your EQ, because the more you have of it, the better you are able to mitigate stress, which can prevent a lot, if not all, of the most prevalent diseases of our time.
Lesson 3: You can boost your EQ by mirroring other people’s body language and thinking optimistically.
Alright, Nik, that’s all good, but how can I improve my EQ then?
I’m glad you asked!
Here are two really cool exercises to increase your emotional intelligence:
Mirror other people’s body language.
Convince yourself that your failures result from things you can change.
The first exercise will not only help you connect better with the person across the table, it’ll also make you more emotionally self-aware. For example, when the person you talk to has great posture, straightening your own body will send subtle non-verbal cues to them, that they can trust you, help you realize what great posture feels like and also make you more empathic, because now you know how they feel when their body is in that pose. It’s one of those “fake it till you make it” scenarios, which helps you build better habits.
The second exercise helps you become an optimist. Optimistic people continue to try, because they believe their actions make a difference, and are thus more likely to succeed. This is based on how they explain failures. They think bad events are temporary, external and specific, and that they have the power to change them for the better by improving the next time. So the next time something goes wrong, tell yourself: “It’s alright, this is going to pass, it’s just a one-time thing, I’ll improve and get better at this!”
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A QUICK SUMMARY OF THE 7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE
ARTICLE by Elle McFarlane
During his 25 years of working with successful individuals in business, universities, and relationship settings, Stephen Covey discovered that high-achievers were often plagued with a sense of emptiness. In an attempt to understand why, he read several self-improvement, self-help, and popular psychology books written over the past 200 years. It was here that he noticed a stark historical contrast between two types of success.
Before the First World War, success was attributed to ethics of character. This included characteristics such as humility, fidelity, integrity, courage, and justice. However, after the war, there was a shift to what Covey refers to as the “Personality Ethic.” Here, success was attributed as a function of personality, public image, behaviors, and skills. Yet, these were just shallow, quick successes, overlooking the deeper principles of life.
Covey argues it’s your character that needs to be cultivated to achieve sustainable success, not your personality. What we are says far more than what we say or do. The “Character Ethic” is based upon a series of principles. Covey claims that these principles are self-evident and endure in most religious, social, and ethical systems. They have universal application. When you value the correct principles, you see reality as it truly is. This is the foundation of his bestselling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Covey’s seven habits are composed of the primary principles of character upon which happiness and success are based. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People puts forward a principle-centered approach to both personal and interpersonal effectiveness. Rather than focusing on altering the outward manifestations of your behavior and attitudes, it aims to adapt your inner core, character, and motives.
The seven habits in this book will help you move from a state of dependence, to independence, and finally to interdependence. While society and most of the self-help books on the market champion independence as the highest achievement, Covey argues that it’s interdependence that yields the greatest results.
Interdependence is a more mature, advanced concept. It precludes the knowledge that you are an independent being, but that working with others will produce greater results than working on your own. To attain this level of interdependence, you must cultivate each of the seven habits laid out in the book. The seven habits are as follows:
Be proactive
Begin with the end in mind
Put first things first
Think win/win
Seek to understand first, before making yourself understood
Learn to synergize
Sharpen the saw
This 7 Habits of Highly Effective People book summary will look at each of these habits and show you how to put them into action to become more successful in whatever you want to achieve.
Habit 1: Be Proactive
The first and most fundamental habit of an effective person is to be proactive. More than just taking the initiative, being proactive means taking responsibility for your life. Consequently, you don’t blame your behavior on external factors such as circumstances, but own it as part of a conscious choice based on your values. Where reactive people are driven by feelings, proactive people are driven by values.
While external factors have the ability to cause pain, your inner character doesn’t need to be damaged. What matters most is how you respond to these experiences. Proactive individuals focus their efforts on the things they can change, whereas reactive people focus their efforts on the areas of their lives in which they have no control. They amass negative energy by blaming external factors for their feelings of victimization. This, in turn, empowers other forces to perpetually control them.
The clearest manifestation of proactivity can be seen in your ability to stick to the commitments you make to yourself and to others. This includes a commitment to self-improvement and, by extension, personal growth. By setting small goals and sticking to them, you gradually increase your integrity, which increases your ability to take responsibility for your life. Covey suggests undertaking a 30-day proactivity test in which you make a series of small commitments and stick to them. Observe how this changes your sense of self.
Habit 2: Begin With the End in Mind
To better understand this habit, Covey invites you to imagine your funeral. He asks you to think how you would like your loved ones to remember you, what you would like them to acknowledge as your achievements, and to consider what a difference you made in their lives. Engaging in this thought experiment helps you identify some of your key values that should underpin your behavior.
Accordingly, each day of your life should contribute to the vision you have for your life as a whole. Knowing what is important to you means you can live your life in service of what matters most. Habit two involves identifying old scripts that are taking you away from what matters most, and writing new ones that are congruent with your deepest values. This means that, when challenges arise, you can meet them proactively and with integrity, as your values are clear.
Covey states that the most effective way to begin with the end in mind is to create a personal mission statement. It should focus on the following:
What you want to be (character)
What you want to do (contributions and achievements)
The values upon which both of these things are based
In time, your mission statement will become your personal constitution. It becomes the basis from which you make every decision in your life. By making principles the center of your life, you create a solid foundation from which to flourish. This is similar to the philosophy Ray Dalio presents in his book, Principles. As principles aren’t contingent on external factors, they don’t waver. They give you something to hold on to when times get tough. With a principle-led life, you can adopt a clearer, more objective worldview.
Habit 3: Put First Things First
To begin this chapter, Covey asks you to answer the following questions:
What one thing could you do regularly, that you aren’t currently doing, that would improve your personal life?
Similarly, what one thing could you do to improve your business or professional life?
Whereas habit one encourages you to realize you are in charge of your own life, and habit two is based on the ability to visualize and to identify your key values, habit three is the implementation of these two habits. It focuses on the practice of effective self-management through independent will. By asking yourself the above questions, you become aware that you have the power to significantly change your life in the present.
Thus, having an independent will means you are capable of making decisions and acting on them. How frequently you use your independent will is dependent on your integrity. Your integrity is synonymous with how much you value yourself and how well you keep your commitments. Habit three concerns itself with prioritizing these commitments and putting the most important things first. This means cultivating the ability to say no to things that don’t match your guiding principles. To manage your time effectively in accordance with habit three, your actions must adhere to the following:
They must be principle-centered.
They must be conscience-directed, meaning that they give you the opportunity to organize your life in accordance with your core values.
They define your key mission, which includes your values and long-term goals.
They give balance to your life.
They are organized weekly, with daily adaptations as needed.
Covey argues that win/win isn’t a technique, it’s a philosophy of human interaction. It’s a frame of mind that seeks out a mutual benefit for all concerned. This means that all agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial, and all parties feel satisfied with the outcome. To embody this mindset, life must be seen as a cooperative, not a competition. Consequently, anything less than a win/win outcome goes against the pursuit of interdependence, which is the most efficient state to be operating within.
Therefore, to adopt a win/win mindset, you must cultivate the habit of interpersonal leadership. This involves exercising each of the following traits when interacting with others:
Self-awareness
Imagination
Conscience
Independent will
To be an effective win/win leader, Covey argues that you must embrace five independent dimensions:
Character: This is the foundation upon which a win/win mentality is created, and it means acting with integrity, maturity, and an “abundance mentality” (i.e., there is plenty of everything for everyone, one person’s success doesn’t threaten your success).
Relationships: Trust is essential to achieving win/win agreements. You must nourish your relationships to maintain a high level of trust.
Agreements: This means that the parties involved must agree on the desired results, guidelines, resources, accountability, and the consequences.
Win/win performance agreements and supportive systems: Creating a standardized, agreed-upon set of desired results to measure performance within a system that can support a win/win mindset.
Processes: All processes must allow for win/win solutions to arise.
Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
If you want to improve your interpersonal relations, Covey argues that you must endeavor to understand a situation before attempting to make yourself understood. The ability to communicate clearly is essential for your overall effectiveness, as it’s the most important skill you can train. While you spend years learning to read, write, and speak, Covey states that little focus is given to training the skill of listening.
If your principles are solid, you’ll naturally want to engage and listen to people without making them feel manipulated. Consequently, it’s through your character that you transmit and communicate what type of a person you are. Through it, people will come to instinctively trust and open up to you. While most people listen with the intent of replying, the proficient listener will listen with the intent to understand. This is known as the skill of empathic listening.
An empathic listener can get into the frame of reference of the person speaking. By doing so, they see the world as they do and feel things the way they feel. Empathic listening, therefore, allows you to get a clearer picture of reality. When you begin to listen to people with the intent of understanding them, you’ll be astounded at how quickly they will open up.
Once you think you’ve understood the situation, the next step is to make yourself understood. This requires courage. By using what you’ve learned from empathic listening, you can communicate your ideas in accordance with your listener’s paradigms and concerns. This increases the credibility of your ideas, as you will be speaking in the same language as your audience.
Habit 6: Synergize
When synergy is operating at its fullest, it incorporates the desire to reach win/win agreements with empathic communication. It’s the essence of principle-centered leadership. It unifies and unleashes great power from people, as it’s based on the tenant that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. The real challenge is to apply principles of synergetic creative cooperation into your social interactions. Covey argues that such instances of synergetic interpersonal group collaboration are often neglected but should be part of your daily life.
At its core, synergy is a creative process that requires vulnerability, openness, and communication. It means balancing the mental, emotional, and psychological differences between a group of people and, in doing so, creating new paradigms of thought between the group members. This is where creativity is maximized. Synergy is effectiveness as an interdependent reality. This involves teamwork, team building, and the creation of unity with other human beings.
Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw
This seventh habit is all about enhancing yourself through the four dimensions of renewal:
Physical: Exercise, nutrition, and stress management. This means caring for your physical body, eating right, getting enough sleep, and exercising regularly.
Social/emotional: Service, empathy, synergy, and intrinsic security. This provides you with a feeling of security and meaning.
Spiritual: Value clarification and commitment, study, and meditation. In focusing on this area of your life, you get closer to your center and your inner value system.
Mental: Reading, visualizing, planning, and writing. To continually educate yourself means expanding your mind. This is essential for effectiveness.
To “sharpen the saw” means to express and exercise all four of these motivations regularly and consistently. This is the most important investment you can make in your life, as you are the instrument of your performance. It’s essential to tend to each area with balance, as to overindulge in one area means to neglect another.
However, a positive effect of sharpening your saw in one dimension is that it has a knock-on positive effect in another, due to them being interrelated. For instance, by focusing on your physical health, you inadvertently improve your mental health, too. This, in turn, creates an upward spiral of growth and change that helps you to become increasingly self-aware. Moving up the spiral means you must learn, commit, and do increasingly more as you move upwards and progressively become a more efficient individual.
You can buy The 7 Habits of Effective People by Stephen R. Covey on Amazon
.
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Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
Book Summary
By Matheus Guerra Costa
If you prefer to listen than talk, don’t like to be the center of attention and prefer to work alone than in groups, you probably are an introvert. At least a third of the population is introverted. Author Susan Cain presents several strategies and ideas for introverts to excel in a world created for extroverts. She explains the challenges and advantages of being an introvert, gives valuable tips on how to behave in certain situations, and how to raise introverted children. Using the result of several types of research on the subject, the author seeks to help introverts understand why they see the world differently. If you are an introvert or know someone like that, this microbook will help you to get the most out of social and professional situations and relationships. Come on!
THE RELATIONSHIP OF INTROVERTS WITH THE WORLD
Susan Cain begins her book with a silent bang — presenting all the achievements and accomplishments reached by introverts. In general terms, introverts are people who prefer to think more than talk. They need to spend time alone, do not seek out loud social gatherings, and usually feel guilty about their less friendly nature. It is true that our Western society is very pro-extroverted. We encourage people to speak, to make their voices heard and to mark their place in history. Meanwhile, introverts have quietly secured their places. The likes of Eleanor Roosevelt, Al Gore, Warren Buffet, Gandhi and Rosa Parks, have achieved tremendous changes while being introverts.
Even in adulthood, many feel bruised and embarrassed about having had an introverted childhood. Introverts feel as if they are wrong because they have suppressed feelings. Cain does an excellent job demonstrating that introverts have their place in the world and should not be ashamed.
In general, introverts prefer less external stimuli — noise, interactions, new experiences, social expectations — and extroverts experience as many stimuli as possible. As extroverts delve into problems and tasks, introverts are slower, investigating the situation and expectations before getting involved. Most extroverts prefer to talk; most introverts are excellent listeners. Introverts prefer small social circles of close friends and avoid conflicts and unnecessary conversations. However, it is not correct to relate introversion to shyness. Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is the preference for environments that are not over-stimulating. A person can be shy and introverted at the same time, but the two characteristics do not always go together. The categories of introversion and extroversion do not have definite limits. You can have traits of both and can respond differently to distinct situations. All of these definitions are useful, but Cain’s focus is on how research on these personalities can help lead a more productive life, regardless of its characteristics.
EXTROVERTED BIAS
Child behavior specialists in the 1920s were concerned with helping children develop winning personalities. Psychologists, social workers, and doctors focused on children with “misfit personalities” -, particularly shy children. “Shyness can lead to terrible results,” they warned, “from alcoholism to suicide,” while an extroverted personality would bring financial and social success.
At the beginning of the 20th century, experts changed how they studied personality traits. An excellent example of this was Dale Carnegie, who transformed the vision of social expectations with his lectures and books, how to have a winning personality and how to become a successful extrovert. Newspaper columns, advertisements, and government campaigns were created to help develop a ‘healthy personality’ — to become someone who was confident, articulate, and socially engaged. Quiet children were labeled as ‘timid.’ In the 1950s, one of the best-selling drugs in pharmacies promised to solve the problem of ‘anxiety generated by not meeting behavioral standards.’
Even before that, Greeks worshiped great orators, the Romans loved their social lives, and Americans always spoke to audiences about freedom. The reserved facades of the European aristocracy were no longer a trend.
Nowadays, Carnegie’s book is still a bestseller and organizations and help groups everywhere promote ways to speak and be heard. Outgoing personality seems to be what everyone desires. Tony Robbins’ success is the best example of how an outgoing personality can make money. “We should be vibrant and confident; we should not seem hesitant, we should smile so that our interlocutors smile at us.” Being extroverted is associated with success and happiness. For decades the Harvard Business School has built its success upon the image of its confident and outgoing CEO. However, extroversion is not all that we think.
There are numerous successful introverted CEOs. Bill Gates is the best example. We tend to overestimate just how extroverted a leader needs to be. Many quiet leaders built Fortune 500 companies, listening, practicing humility, and making careful decisions. Introverted CEOs speak much less than their extroverted colleagues, but when they do, people pay attention. They are known to build great companies, not big egos. Introverts are the best people to lead creative and innovative employees. Because they prefer to listen to others and because of their lack of interest in mastering social situations, introverts are more likely to listen and implement suggestions. Introverted leaders seek the best from their employees. The exception happens when employees are more passive; in such cases, extroverted leaders do better.
Rosa Parks was introverted. She did not seek out trouble or engage in loud protests and demonstrations. Instead, a quiet ‘no’ when asked to vacate her seat on a bus was an important step for the civil rights movement. Parks did not join Martin Luther King Jr during his demonstrations, but she was silently fighting for her rights in the background. Her quiet, introverted strength had a great impact on the world around her.
These acts of introspective humanitarians are less noticeable but being an extrovert is still revered in every area, from sales to personal development.
FOR AN INTROVERT, THEIR TIME ALONE IS CRUCIAL
Steve Wozniak, the maker of Apple’s computer prototype, did most of his work in his Hewlett-Packard cubicle. He arrived at about 6:30 in the morning and, alone, read engineering magazines, studied the chips manuals and prepared the drawings in his head. After work, he would come home, make a quick bite, and return to the office to work all night. He describes this period of quiet and lonely nights as “his best moment in life.”
Many introverts are creative geniuses. Whether writers, scientists, engineers or artists, introverts have produced some of the world’s most spectacular works. Introverts love to work alone, and this ‘solitude can be a catalyst for innovation.’ Many companies are built to ignore the benefits of solitude. Groupthink — the process in which a group follows the ideas of unvoiced extroverted leaders — is a process of group work, and introverts do not do well with it. From schools to corporations, teamwork always takes place. There are benefits to teamwork such as learning to work and communicating with others, but students and adults who do well in this type of work are all outgoing. When they have the chance to work independently, introverts tend to show their leadership with innovation and brilliance.
The transformation of offices — from rooms and cubicles to open work environments — has not been good for introverts. Noises, interruptions, and lack of individual space mean that they are forced to work with constant stimuli — and this does not allow them to stand out. This concept of ‘all working together’ is not supported by research. In fact, the most successful way of developing skills is individual study and practice. When a person is responsible for developing their abilities, they focus more on their weaknesses and improve their qualities.
Successful adults like Steve Wozniak, Madeleine L’Engle, and Charles Darwin spent countless hours of their childhoods in solitary meditation. Recent studies support the idea that loneliness increases creativity and innovation. In corporate environments, workers do better when they have their space, privacy in physical environments, and freedom without interruption.
Offices with an open concept ignore these facts. Constant interruptions — including office noises — hamper productivity and increase errors. Introverts know this intuitively. They expect to work in privacy environments and like to focus on their tasks without being interrupted.
Studies have shown that Groupthink does not just silence opponents — it also prevents people from changing their minds. The key is to have smaller groups and leaders who listen to everyone. Meetings can be more productive when all participants deliver their written ideas before they begin. Virtual collaborations seem to perform better than large, personally functioning collaboration groups.
The ideal work solution for many would be to have open areas for interaction and collaboration and individual private spaces, where employees can find isolation and fewer stimuli when needed.
INTROVERTS SEE THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY
There is a constant debate from which emerges the following question: is introversion and extroversion genetic characteristics or shaped by life? In fact, both situations are true, and both our genetics and the environment shape our traits. Cain’s validation of introverted tendencies is most welcome in our society so focused on extroverts.
Introverts are different. They experience stimuli differently, desire different kinds of social interactions and think differently; they grow in different circumstances as well. All these differences together make introverts bring different gifts to the world. The world needs introverts, and introverts need to shape their worlds so they can fit in.
FINDING A BALANCE
Once you understand that introversion and extroversion are preferences for certain levels of stimulation, you can consciously try to situate yourself in environments that are favorable to your personality — that is balanced, not so boring, and not so agitated. You can organize your life at “optimum levels of stimulation” and what we call “sweet spots,” which will make you feel much more energetic and alive than ever.
This ‘sweet spot’ deals with the way in which you find the right balance for your personality type. For example, living in a house that has small hiding places for the introverts and that also has great open spaces for the extroverts. This balance is an excellent example of how both can coexist satisfactorily.
For introverts, there is an optimum level of stimulation. A demanding social context in the workplace (public speaking, for example) can be balanced with quiet time and environments, before and after the activity — even if the environment is a bathroom. It is also possible to practice desensitization, which consists of exposing oneself to fears in small quantities. Over time, the stimulus becomes less, and you take more advantage of the activity — or at least it becomes less stressful.
In addition to introversion, there is a classification for people who are highly sensitive. These are the people who use information from around the world more intensely than most people. They usually feel emotions stronger than others — reacting emotionally to music, art, and nature. Highly sensitive people usually do not care much for meaningless conversations, but they are highly linked to other’s mood swings and environmental stimuli.
Their thinking process is very complicated, and sometimes they develop excessive empathy for others. Eleanor Roosevelt is a great example of a compassionate person. She cared deeply about the people around her, but she did not like the superficial social requirements of her position. She became known as the woman who took on the responsibilities of Franklin Roosevelt.
Over time, she accepted public life, and this gave her the chance to change things for the better. She became known for the phrase, “I think shy people will always be shy, but they learn to deal with it.”
INTROVERTS MUST FIND A SENSE IN THEIR ATTITUDES
Introverts need to rely on their intuition and powerfully share their ideas. This does not mean that they should imitate extroverts. Ideas can be shared discreetly, can be communicated with texts, can be developed in well-produced lectures and can be used by allies. The trick for introverts is to honor their style and not allow it to be swallowed up by current standards.
Extroverts tend to respond better to external rewards. Therefore, extroverts prefer immediate prizes, while introverts are still analyzing the situation. Because the rewards system is less attractive to introverts, they prefer to pay more attention to their thoughts. That’s why extroverts need to learn to listen to introverts in group decisions. Introverts bring a valuable balance to the discussions when they have a chance to speak. Introverts are oriented to inspect and extroverts oriented to respond.
There is no difference in IQ between introverts and the extrovert average, but the way they see the world and how they react to it is very different. Having the contribution of both will ensure that the pros and cons are evaluated by the introverts and that the actions are taken by extroverts.
Ideally, introverts should seek deeper reasons for their attitudes. Einstein, a classic introvert, discovered this in his work — passionately pursuing the problems until he found the answers.
SOFT POWER
There is a widespread idea in Western culture that negotiators, lawyers, politicians, and anyone with power must have an extroverted personality and aggressively pursue their goals. What the researchers have discovered is that there is another way to also achieve success without the damage that can be caused by aggressive behavior. ‘Soft power’ is skillfully used by some introverts. This power involves the process of asking questions, understanding your opponent, and chasing your way calmly. Gandhi is probably the best example of using this power.
Sometimes he was enraged by the injustices he suffered, but instead of reacting, he “negotiated patiently,” eventually getting what he wanted. Gandhi’s passivity was by no means weakness. It allowed him to stay focused on his goal and kept him from expending energy with unnecessary conflicts. Gandhi believed that this passivity was one of his greatest qualities. And it was born of his shyness.
This ability to silently persist in a task also contributes to the success of Asian students and their future successes in professional settings. A person who exercises this ability listens carefully, plans in detail with excellent research, and prepares for situations involving interpersonal interactions.
BEHAVING AS AN EXTROVERT
At times, introverts need to behave as extroverts, especially when the reasons are personal. However, having to ‘pretend’ for the sake of a job or a relationship can be exhausting and discouraging. It is important to balance these extroverted activities with times of tranquility and isolation.
At times, no one knows that you are not the kind of person you are pretending to be. Many successful introverts have learned to adapt to these extroversion moments. Those who do best in this have an innate ability to self-monitor or are ‘highly empowered to change their behaviors to the social demands of a situation.’
Cain emphasizes that while there are times when you pretend to achieve a goal, doing so all the time can be very unproductive for an introvert. To identify your passions, you may wonder what you loved to do as a child, what kind of work you usually prefer, and what you envy. Although jealousy may seem like an unusual issue to find your passions, you often envy those who have what you desire. So looking for the things you crave can help you figure out what you want.
A restorative niche is ‘the place you go to be yourself.’ This place will be almost the opposite for introverts and extroverts, but looking for the appropriate restorative niches is an excellent strategy for enjoying life.
RELATING TO AN INTROVERT
Because they are different, introverts and extroverts are usually attracted to each other. The resulting relationships can be very challenging as each of them looks for various things. While introverts want a quiet night at home with a book and a silent spouse, extroverts want to throw a party. It is important to learn to understand each other, how each person communicates and responds to different communication styles and engages.
Introverts may need to work on their communication, and extroverts may need to slow down a bit. Introverts can learn to argue a bit too, letting their partners know when things are not right.
When you commit, you will need both to “give in” a little and look for solutions that will give both personalities a chance to take advantage of situations.
RAISING INTROVERTED CHILDREN
Cain recommends a gentle and balanced approach to raising introverted children. It is clear that introversion is a personality trait and has its advantages and disadvantages. Shy children need to be respected and valued for what they are — often quiet and introspective. In the same way, they need to be encouraged to take some social risks.
Letting them be introduced gradually to new situations and respecting their limits will help them have more confidence without being forced to be who they are not. Teach by using examples of appropriate social skills, giving them opportunities to make new friends in small groups.
Make sure these social gatherings are enjoyable, select non-aggressive children and groups that are friendlier. Never force friendships between children. Practice before responding to social situations such as birthday parties or celebrations. Introverted children will appreciate gentle introductions to new environments. Before you start school, take them on a school tour and meet some of the adults who will be in touch with them on a daily basis. Bring them to the bathroom, library, and the school office. Help them design body languages that portray confidence, even if they do not feel that way. Smile, have good posture and make eye contact. For children who are struggling with this, take them to a pediatrician for future support and further education.
School can be a challenging environment for introverts. As adults, they will have control over where they spend their time, but will not have many choices in school. If possible, look for a smaller school that teamwork with individual projects. Children learn best when they are in an environment where they feel safe.
Introversion is not a problem that needs to be fixed. It is a personality trait that requires adaptations and training. Parents need to understand that there is no problem in having a quiet child who prefers individual interactions to group activities.
If your child has a specific interest or talent, encourage him or her, even if it is not something that is very much accepted or valued. Their confidence will grow as you explore their interests and passions. Let them know that it’s okay to spend their time thinking before speaking. Teach them the importance of this peculiarity and discuss how they can share their vision and innovative ideas with others.
The most important thing is not to worry if your child is not ‘famous.’ Introvert children develop one or two reliable friends and not a huge amount of casual friends.
FINAL NOTES
Quiet people are introverts by nature. They take time to understand life and are often slow to speak and do not get along in noisy, crowded environments. The way they lead life brings balance and diversity to the extroverted world, and their contributions are precious.
Be proud if you are an introvert — you are part of a group of excellent people who have made history! Seek the best of your introverted nature by following your instincts as you listen, think, and question. Use the opportunities of restorative niches so that you can balance between extroverted challenges and your introverted preferences.
Remember that the relationships between extroverts and introverts are challenging and require work and commitment.
It is also worth noting the author recommends a balanced approach to raising introverted children: while they should be valued for their more introspective personality, they must also be introduced to new social situations.
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